Ways to make the Espada royally beat you to death
by DarkWolfXIII
Summary: Title says it all, apparently my specialty is coming up with imaginitive ways to 'Make various game/anime characters to kill you in just as imaginitive ways'. Enjoy, R&R are very muchly appreciated :D
1. Coyote LazyAss Starrk

So apparently I'm quite good at coming up with lists on how to annoy everyone's various favourite characters in a range of different Anime/video games, so I basically thought 'Hey why not have a go at annoying the effing fuck out of other awesome characters?'

And thus, like a flaming Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the back of the head, the list of 'Ways to Annoy the Espada' was born! (Cue heavenly choir voices and rays of golden light unto your computer screens here) So without further ado, let's kick this list off with everyone favourite lazy ass Primera Espada shall we?

**Disclaimer: YOU ALL KNOW I DON'T OWN ANYTHING. **

**#1: Ways to make Coyote Starrk hire someone else to kill you, because God knows he'd do anything remotely physical.**

Replace the soft stuffing of his bean-bag/pillow mountain with nails.

Wax his beard in his sleep

Pay Lylinette to dress up as a horrifying monster and see if he'll wake up THEN.

Replace his sandals with ice skates and get Arronerro to completely freeze the floor outside his room.

Better yet, make it on a slope and leading to a nearby stairwell.

Whenever he walks into a room looking completely deadpanned(which is… well always), announce loudly "Aww, was Lylinette to rough this morning?"

Dye his hair Szayel pink, don't forget the eyebrows!

Follow him around all day with a sign reading, 'Szayel wannabe fanboy :D'

Convince Aizen to do ALL the chores in Hueco Mundo, in a maid's dress, without any underwear.

Or crotchless underwear, your choice

Whenever he falls asleep during a meeting, peg something very painful at his face (i.e a phone, kitten or random amounts of cacti)

Tape him to the wall of Aizen's room

If the former captain asks, tell him the Gypsies needed Starrk for some voodoo.

Follow him around with a blue chicken, and whenever he falls asleep get it to crow right in his ear. **(1)**

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><p>And there we have it, behold the wild and slightly overgrown contents of my mind. Please feel free to review or send your own ideas for any of these wacky whatchamacallits known as the Espada!<p>

Next up, heeeeere's Braggan!

(1) – Legend of Zelda fans will get this, which I imagine is almost everybody. If you are one of the unfortunates who has never played the game GO OUT AND GET IT RIGHT NOW. I'M SERIOUS, TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER SCREENS, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND FIND IT, PLAY IT AND THANK ME LATER. Or Chuck Norris will find you.


	2. B 'KingOldieMcFartsALot' Louisenbairn

Theeeeeeee second instalment, Oldie McFart Pants – a.k.a Braggan Louisenbarn(or however the hell you spell it!)

**Disclaimer: Still dun own anything awesome XD**

So, this is;

**#2: How to make Braggan bore you to an untimely death with his old man stories.**

**BACK IN MY DAY WHEN I WAS A LAD, BLAH BLAH I'M OLD WOE IS ME…**

Just die already… .

Make him a paper crown reading 'The King of Dorkus'. MAKE HIM WEAR IT.

Shave his moustache into a Hitler-style do. Don't forget to dye it black!

Write something profoundly stupid across his crown-like hollow mask, preferably something like 'Hoe Bag' or 'Fag Train' **(1)**

Better yet, write it in glittery pink nail polish. That shit doesn't come off.

Whenever he gets into one of those rather LOUD arguments over nothing with someone, run up between them and yell something like: "Whoah gramps! How about we just calm down and take our meds like a good senior citizen?"

Whenever he gets into one of those "Kids these days blah blah, back in my day…" rants, scream in horror: "Oh no! He's using the Old Man Monologue ability!" **(2)**

As he's just striding around the corner of a hallway in all his King Shit glory, knock him down a few pegs by slapping him in the face with a fish.

When he demands what it was for, just smile sweetly and say "T'was a gift from Halibel!" **(3)**

Walk up to him wearing a pair of Grouch Glasses and dramatically announce: "Luke, I am your father!"

For a birthday present get him something that points out his incredible old age (i.e, a walking cane, will kit or denture cleaning set)

Give them to him even if it isn't his birthday, and if he refuses simply keep insisting with words such as "Come on man, you know you'll need it soon."

If he still refuses, begin to cry. If you can keep it up until Aizen arrives he might just be forced to accept your gifts :D

Get him one of those four-wheel granny walkers as a side gift and purposely saw one of the legs off.

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><p>(1) - Never mind the absurdity, they're insults my friends and I always seem to greet one another with on a daily basis<p>

(2) - Idea came from Naruto Abridged. 'Nuff said.

(3) - Heheheheh… Shark jokes :D

So there you have it. I've poked the living shit out of the dude's oldness, which was to be expected with Braggan. Ancient fuck. Next up is Halibel :D should be fun! Reviews are very muchly appreciated, so DU IIIIIT :D


	3. Tier Sharky Lady Halibel

Laughing so far? That's nice to know, now on to our favourite female Jaws, Tierrrrr Halibellllll :D I swear the woman is going to maim me in the near future. If I suddenly up and leave this site sometime in the near future, you will all know to put on my gravestone "Was eliminated by suffocation of the 3rd Espada's mighty cleavage."

Anyway…

**3: Ways to make Halibel make sure you re-live the entire JAWS movie experience all over again.**

This time with 50% more boobage, swords and partial nudity. STOP THAT GIGGLING RIGHT NOW.

**Dis-effing-claimer: Neither Bleach nor Halibel belong to me, and even if she did belong to me that would be people trafficking and slavery. So either way I would most likely be in jail, right? So a recap, I own nothing XD**

Shave half her hair off in her sleep. Be sure to tag your work with a big ol' "Starrk was here lolz" in permanent marker.

Video record the next morning before and after she has noticed 'Starrk's' fabulous work.

Whenever she walks into a room or starts to battle, argue or walks down a hallway, play the jaws music and follow her around with it.

Replace all her meals (when she isn't looking of course) with various dead fish.

Better yet, make them live fish.

Tape a sign to her back reading: "Super Mega Bitch Face"

Glue two pens/straws/chopsticks up her nose in her sleep (attempting such an action while the Espada is still awake will result in lost fingers) and write "I'm a pretty walrus!" across her forehead. **(1)**

Dye all her clothes in obnoxious fluro colours that would make EVEN THE PRETTIEST MY LITTLE PONIES CRY RIVERS OF BLOOD.

Tape a sign to her door reading in big, capital letters: 'Hueco Mundo's position of Queen Bitch has already been filled by Luppi. Go home.'

Walk up to her and say nothing, just stand there staring at her with the whole evil-eyes thing going on.

When (or when 0.o) she asks what you're doing, simply remark: "So how do you style your hair so the horns don't show?"

Continuously insist –overly loudly if you wish- that you need to see where her Espada number is. For research.

Yes, research.

Paint pictures of pretty fluffy bunnies and rainbow ponies on her Zanpakuto. In permanent marker.

Replace all her clothes with nun robes. If you wish, make them SATANIC NUN ROBES!

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><p>(1) - It's off Scrubs, god love the Turk Walrus.<p>

"Take those straws out of your nose!"

"Baby I was being a walrus…" D:

So there you have it, next up iiiiiiits the ever-uber popular Ulquiorra Ciffer, which means of course chaos ensures. Warning, you may be subjected to large amounts of insanity and a sword in the eye by the fourth rank himself.

:D


	4. Ulquiorra Sad Lamb Chiffer

Moving on now to Hueco Mundo's very own sad lamb, Ulquiorra Ciffer!

**Disclaimer: You know the drill**

**4: Ways to make Ulquiorra summon an unholy army of bats from hell to come and devour your entire being, including your soul. Which, according to Sebastian Michaelis, would be delicious**** :D**

Spread around that his new nickname is Ugly-Whora. Even convince Aizen into calling him that. Pay him if you must!

Get some other people in on this (Grimmjow and Nnoitra would probably be up for it) and dress up as some football players. Whenever he is having a conversation with someone, run up and tackle him.

I suggest after about the 3rd-4th time, you should probably run. The dude can only handle so much before goin –all puns aside- bat-fuck insane and attempt a murder.

In his sleep, give him a Joker-style makeover.

Whenever he walks into a room the next day, announce loudly "Y SO SRS?"

Paint his Hollow mask/helm in pink, sparkly paint and obsessively call him a pretty, pretty unicorn.

Since he's so down looking all the time, why not waltz into a room and start singing him the Charlie the Unicorn Banana song? Just for shits n' giggles.

Better yet, get everyone to sing along! Because that would be, as Barney Stinson would say, LEGENDARY!

Dress him up as a clown and push him down a flight of stairs, just for the hell of it. I imagine those big clown shoes wouldn't help in the slightest XD

At a meeting, pretend to wonder loudly: "I wonder what the lovechild of a cat and a bat would be?"

Straight after look directly at either Grimmjow or Ulquiorra. Or both, just to make it that much more awkward.

Glue every pair of his sandals to various rooms' ceilings. Leave only a pair of stripper heels in his closet.

To go with the new nickname of his, fill his closet to the brim with street walkin' whore clothes. Hide or burn all his usual attire so he'll have no choice but to wear the new style.

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><p>Poor poor Ugly-whora. He must hate his job XD<p>

Next up is my personal favourite, Nnoitra! Which of course means I'll be looking to give him the worst ones just to make him suffer, as you do ;D


	5. Nnoitra Franco Gilga

Aaaaaannnd we're onto the fearsome Quinto Espada, NNOITRA FUCKIN' GILGA! HE'LL FUCK YOU UP FIVE TIMES BEFORE YOU EVEN HAVE THE CHANCE TO INSULT HIS SPOON-DISH!

Ahem. Moving on;

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Nnoitra, but sadly I do not. Probably a good idea too, I know if he went on a killing spree I'd have to cop the fine XD**

**5: Ways to make Nnoitra stomp your teeth into the dirt with his curly boots of doom until you're a fine powder that could easily rival cocaine.**

**Don't snort it though, I wouldn't be surprised if it made you crap blood.**

Might as well get the spoon jokes out of the way first; fill his closet to the brim with spoons and video record the results.

Whenever he's asleep in an open area (probably passed out from sake), remove his eye patch and play Beer Pong with his Hollow hole.

Better yet, get everyone to play and have someone video record it.

Tape a sign to his door reading: 'Beware, this is the residence of the half-giraffe Quinto Espada. You may be stabbed, gutted, shanked, diced, shredded and forced down the garbage disposal of Hueco Mundo's evil drainage system."

In a meeting, go up to him and whisper –very loudly so EVERYONE in the room can hear it- "Neliel called you a homo"

Run up behind him and jump onto his shoulders, screaming "HI HO SILVER AWAY!"

Whenever he gives one of those infamous creepy smiles, announce loudly "Nnoitra spies another rape victim!"

Un-curl his boots with any available hammers. Bricks will do fine too.

Dump a whole bucket of soapy water on the floor outside his room, and, y'know. Gethefuckouttathere.

Tie millions of pretty pretty bows and ribbons in his hair and lock him out of his room.

Write over the inside of his hood (where he can't see it but everyone else can of course) some retarded profanity like "I love penis" in permanent

Litter his room with pamphlets for Colgate toothpaste and dental care, just cause you can

Glue his Zanpakuto to some impossible place (i.e. one of the outside walls of Hueco Mundo)

Dye his hair bleach-blonde like Tesla's, and vice-versa for Tesla XD

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><p>I love torturing my favourite characters XD it's always that much more fun. Next up is Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, which will be awesome to do I can assure you ;) as per use, reviews are very welcome, so are suggestions for points to annoy the poor bastards. Go nuts people!<p> 


	6. Grimmjow NYANCAT Jeagerjaques

Kids, don't try this at home.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grimmjow or Bleach. I do own my own version of bleach however, and it usually goes into my washing for sparkling clean results.**

**#6: Ways to make Grimmjow Jaegerjaques receive the world record for fastest time turning a person into a human pretzel.**

Fill a leaf blower with flour and shoot him in the face with it. Preferably when he's only just woken up.

Show him the NYAN CAT video and insist it's his long lost uncle Fred trying to communicate to him through the use of annoying music, space travel and the art of farting out rainbows.

Replace the door to his room with a cat-flap door.

Lock him in a trunk and keep the key. Just for the hell of it, leave him at the top of the tallest flight of stairs within Hueco Mundo and tape a sign to the top reading: "Push me and win a prize."

Just as he's finished breaking out of the trunk, give the keys to Ulquiorra and run.

Glue a pair of fluffy pink Cheshire cat ears to his head with industrial strength adhesive.

Whenever he gets into an argument or fight, scream from the sidelines "Don't make me call the zoo to come and neuter you again!"

Dye his hair sparkly, rainbow shades and style it into a gravity-defying Mohawk.

Wherever he goes, place little trails of kitty toys for him to find.

Put a cat collar on him in his sleep. Be sure to make it the girliest, most fabulous collar you can afford and make sure is has bells!

Run up behind him and dump buckets of freezing water and ice cubes down his pants. Slap him on the ass and run just for good measure.

When I say run, I mean run.

Chain him to Ulquiorra or Aizen's bed and set up cameras to capture the reaction XD

When he's walking down a random hallway, or when he arrives into a meeting, blast the song 'Sexy Back' for everyone to hear.

Be sure to scream things like 'TAKE IT OFF!'

-Suggested by ThatOtherPerson: Grimmjow #2: After he retires to his room, have a bucket full of surprises rigged to his door to fall on his head whenever he opens it.

And by suprises, I mean an ass-load of kittens.

Painted blue

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><p><strong>Thank you to all who have read and reviewed, you may choose your prize out of any of the Espada written thus far. Be sure to feed and walk them twice a day.<strong>


	7. Zommari POWERTHIRST Rereaux

Welcome to the seventh instalment on 'Ways to make the Espada Royally beat you to Death," and that means it's time to make fun of that guy everybody gives two shits about, Zommari Rureaux.

My apologies to those fans of the dude, but I just can't get over his power. HOW DO YOU POSSIBLY KILL PEOPLE WITH LOVE? LOVE! OMGWTFBBQVCR

**#Sept: Ways to make Zommari suffocate you with his ungodly powers of AMOURRRRRRRRR**

Give him a new hairstyle of permanent marker, don't forget the beard!

Whenever he walks into the room, scream in absolute horror and (very dramatically) pretend to faint.

At ungodly hours of the morning (this can be a solo or group activity), bumrush his room and egg him in his sleep.

Rotten goose eggs will do just fine. **(1)**

Whenever he reverts into his resurreccion form obsessively call him the Pretty Pink Pumpkin Fairy

Block his toilet with his own clothes and leave him a note saying 'Nnoitra takes all credit for this.'

Whenever he's in his resurreccion form, run up to him and attempt to poke all his eyes out with a ruler.

Give him a pretty makeover complete with a crazy wig being glued to his head and lathering's of make-up that would put any two dollar whore to shame.

Once finished, stand back and shake your head announcing "I guess you really can't decorate a turd."

Lock the bastard outside all night for the hollowfied wolves to feed on. I really don't care for Zommari.

Force him to wear a sandwich board that reads: "I have female genitalia.'

Glue a penny to his forehead just for funzies. Or the back of his head, your choice.

Better yet, write just underneath it something like: 'Get the penny and win a prize.'

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><p><strong>(1) <strong>– A word to the wise, don't ever get into an egg fight with an opponent armed with rotten goose eggs. Take it from the author, just… don't DX

Next up is everybody's favourite bat-fuck insane scientitst, Szayel Aporro Granz! He of the fabulous hair and tendency to eat his won subordinates XD


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